Sex or Relationship... Part 1

Which comes first: sex or relationship? It is the gay equivalent to the chicken or egg dilemma. Does one come after the other? And if you have one can you have the other? What about only having one?

I was having a discussion with my friend Kevin. He reckons that you should try out a man before you make any type of commitment. He believes that sex is the first relationship men have with other men…if it is good…dates, a relationship and even friendship follows. If it’s bad…you never see them again! He advocates that in the gay world, sex always comes first…and anything else follows. Most of Kevin’s friends are guys that he’s had sex with.

I could not help and wonder about this dilemma…so much of my interactions with gay men are sexual. When I first came out, I thought being gay was only about having sex. I remember my first few years as a gay man were all about getting close to men and I inevitably would have sex first and hope an emotional connection would follow. It usually never happened. Gradually, I learned to differentiate between sex and emotion. I am now able to have sex with no feelings or emotion with a total stranger. Of course, sex is better when you have an emotional connection with that person.

After a few years I realised it was not just about sex… If I liked the guy or thought it has potential of a relationship, I would wait to have sex with them. Usually I would wait 3 or 4 dates, although pashing on the first date was allowed. Delaying sex in some instances led to a relationship…at times it led to realising that I was not sexually compatible with the person.

Kevin does not wait. He says you can’t make gay men wait. You need to know if both of you are sexually compatible. Even if you like the person, if the sexual chemistry is not there….nothing will happen he says. It’s true that in gay relationships sex is a priority…but many couples do stop having sex and open their relationships..so some couples make sexless relationships work.

Others only have sex…no relationships (hello..fuckbuddies). So maybe neither has to follow and you can have both sex or relationships.

But remember what drew two together may die and faced with that question "should I stay or should I go" may arise. Then you must ask yourself, Why did I get in this relationship, what matters the most? The answer will tell us just how superficial you really are, or it will tell us just how much you have matured in your life.

Cheerio

PrettySweetBoy