Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Leaving All behind

"....i know its hard saying good bye to (my friends) was the hardest part, they know me so well and they thinks i won't be coming back; but i don't even know that. I have no more tears to cry right now... oh never mind here i go again (tearing) right now i am having mix feelings, this is a new chapter in my life... i'll be going to Toronto, Canada ( i hope i like it there) and i think my relationship with (*******) is going well too- he is being very nice to me and i know that we'll make it happen. It's not the end of the world; but my family makes it so difficult, they are too emotional...that's when my feelings are mix, i am sad yes, but i am also happy, happy for myself.. am i a heartless person? should i not go and stay here and make "everybody else happy"? i guess it's too late now, i'll be leaving in 31 Days ... i am nervous too......."


The One

My friend asked me if my boyfriend was the one. My Zaini friend keeps looking for the one. Some people only date to find the one. Many of us do not believe in the one. Others spend their whole life looking for that one that will make them complete. My friend Zachery found the one and his name is Wan !

It is a romantic notion. One person out there who will make you complete..who will make you whole and who will make you happy. My friend who is a therapist would say this is total co-dependant behaviour and it will only lead to sadness and frustration.

How do you know if you have found the one? Or the one for now? There are 6.5 billion people on earth, surely there is more than one person out there who will make a great life companion, will laugh at your jokes and share your dreams. What if the one is in Mongolia? Or in Iceland? I once thought the one was in Germany.

Is life just one big race to find him? Or shall we stop looking and find the one in ourselves. In a partner I seek love and compatibility. Relationships like everything in life have a life span…they end, begin again and the whole cycle repeats itself over and over again. Some are only temporary, some are for a few months or years and some are just for one night. But the long term relationship is with yourself, now that lasts a lifetime.


Friday, July 27, 2007


A little message on Friendship from Robin in South Africa:

Friends are like underwear, always near you.

Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you.

Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down!

Happy Saturday!


The labeling of Relationships

They say that love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning. Does that mean that a relationship just a word until someone else comes along and gives it meaning? We can call anyone we know a friend, but why is it so hard to label our romantic relationships? Why is calling someone your boyfriend, lover or partner so difficult?

When we were in school, we were afraid to be labeled into a group: nerds, jocks, greeks, goths and preps. But we all wanted to be labeled into some relationships: friends, boyfriends, girlfriend, going steady, junior varsity. As adults, we try to get past some labels: gay, straight, queer, bi. But we all seek certain labels: wife, husband, boyfriend, partner, girlfriend, and lover. Does labeling have something to do with intimacy?

My friend has recently started dating a lovely young man named Mario. They had met a few weeks back at the Rainforest Festival. It was the typical gay love story: soy lattés, followed by a concert at the Istana Budaya, followed by a romantic dinner for two at Shangri-La. They were clearly an item but my friend refused to be closed for inspection He was still open to potential dates. He was hesitant to say he had a boyfriend or lover, instead describing Mario as a friend.

Why are there so many degrees of romantic relationships? And why are we so scared to use the b (boyfriend) or p (partner) words? Does saying the words out loud make the relationship a reality?

Most guys I date say they are not label queens, even though most of them are clearly into labels; Diesel jeans and shoes, D&G undies, Armani tops…yet when I ask them to label our relationships…the mainstream labels are out the window and the only words they can use to describe our relationships are pseudo, um, an understanding, fun, and casual.

My friend Wan met an amazing Austrian on his last business trip. It was one of those holiday romances, romantic dinners, great sexual connection, museum trips and transcontinental flights. His Austrian who actually sounds a bit like my ex-Deutsch is coming to visit in August. I think that traveling 22 hours, 15,000kms to see someone is worthy of a labeled relationship. Yet Wan is unable to label his relationship: not a boyfriend, more than a fuckbuddy…lover?….but definitely more than a friend.

Maybe the key is not to have a label but a spectrum. That’s Farid’s idea. Let’s all live in one community when everyone is somewhere in between a friend and a lover. Maybe I’m way too American, but I like my labels. I love to be called a boyfriend…a partner…a lover…or a fuckbuddy!


Can you have love without sex? Sex without love?

I have a love and hate relationship with sex. I enjoy it, want it and cannot live without it. At the same time it causes me feelings of guilt, leaves me feeling empty and creates emotional confusion. They say women release a hormone when they are having sex which makes them emotionally attach to the person they are having sex with. Many men seem to be able to separate sex from emotion. This is something that I learned with my first gay sex experience. I thought sex was love and had my heart broken by my first sexual partner.I quickly learned to separate the two…now the problem is that I have completely detached myself from any emotion during sex. It has become a purely carnal and physical act…free of any emotion and intimacy. So sex is not love. But can you have love without sex?

Sex is all around us in KL: online, on the bus, at clubs and bars, in the gym and in parks. The Catholic nuns taught me in school that gay sex was a sin, dirty and practiced only by paedophiles. The priests had gay sex which actually made it dirty and a paedophile activity. As a gay man, I learned that sex was the way to validate myself, get men’s attention and get close to other gay men.This is an issue that many gay men deal with…this is especially true for Norwegians who have the highest rate of casual sex in the world (is this why I secretly love Norway?).

My friend has been sexless by choice for the last three months. Over the weekend, he met a very cute guy . Things got pretty hot and heavy and he decided to go home with this guy. He was very attracted to him, yet he could not bring himself to have casual sex with him. He enjoys sex but in the past casual sex ends up leaving him feeling empty.My friend was asking for my advice on the subject of casual sex. My story was very similar to his... I was actually starting to give up on the idea of casual sex for the same reason. I was really over sleeping with guys whose names I did not know and whose faces I would never see again. In the past, I had used sex to feel attractive and validate myself. Growing up meant, I no longer felt the need to shag like a rabbit and was now trying to get that emotional connection and intimacy back in sex.The problem is that old habits are hard to break. Italian scientists say they have discovered that the biochemical state of having sex while in love is similar to obsessive compulsive disorder.

According to the London Times, “the yearning of couples to be together and learn about each other in intimate detail is overwhelming.” So sex plus love equals a good trip on drugs! According the scientists, "sex is more mutual when we are in love, as we can expect to feel emotional fulfilment.” Now that sounds like total validation!


Forbidden Love

Last night I went to see the film Little Jerusalem (La Petite Jerusalem) by Karin Albou. This French fiml is set in suburban Paris and tells the story of a forbidden love between an Orthodox Jewish woman and an Algerian Muslim man.
Both families initially reject their relationship and each questions their feelings for each other. Their love is forbidden yet it somehow seems to find a way to blossom. It is a total heterosexual version of Brokeback Mountain sans cowboys and with a religious twist. Both of these films carry a similar can be tragic, sad and forbidden.

In this modern day it seems we can get anything at anytime. Cyber sex, 24 hour fast food, online gambling and shopping. Yet millions of us cannot seem to find love…or the road to happy love is littered with emotional and physical roadblocks. This got me thinking....can love blossom despite of all the barriers?

My friend believes that love can move mountains. He was in love once but now seems to find it elusive. The main barriers are distance and the emotional unavailability of gay men. “With online dating, I tend to find amazing guys that I click with but who are thousands of miles away,” he says. He also admits that gay men have issues when it comes to commitment and intimacy. Sex does not necessarily mean intimacy or love in the gay world.Being in the closet can be a huge barrier to love. I remember dating a few guys that were in the closet. We would often bump into his friends or work colleagues. Hiding our relationship and always being paranoid about being outed killed any type of intimacy. Being who you are and loving yourself will allow others to do the same.Families can be huge barriers.

Just like the film, many familles do not approve of gay relationships. Sometimes, you must chose between your boyfriend or your family.Emotions and fear of rejection are huge barriers to love. I for one…I am totally scared of getting hurt and putting my emotions and heart out there. Yes, my emotional baggage does not fit in my overhead compartment. I fall for guys who live in different continents and who are emotionally unavailable. I’m also cynical and I think that I would not see love if it him me in the face.

So what is the answer? I have nue clue...I was actually hoping for some some tips. All I know is we need to start getting rid of all the barriers around us. We are isolating ourselves from love and life....we use our cars, our offices, our flats, our ipods…we need to feel the love. My friend is right…love can move mountains!


Thursday, July 26, 2007

A Random Thought...

You meet a guy, you start chatting, you get on really really well and then you get on to the subject of age, he tells you that he is older than you thought, what do you do? Do you dump him just because of his age? Do you see him again but tell yourself that you are not going to get in to a serious relationship? Would you sacrifice the possibility of a long tern relationship and hapiness just on the basis of age?I don't think that I have ever discounted a prospective friendship on the basis of age. I guess I have this enormous blind spot that stops me from judging people before I get to know them. Also I don't see beauty in the same way that some people do either. A friend of mine says that some of the women and men that I find attractive do absolutely nothing for him. Are any other of you guys like me? Does anyone think that it would be exceptionally offensive if someone was to refuse to speak to you or suddenly became disinterested just because of your age? If that ever happens to me, I do.To me, age doesn't matter. In fact, not much really matters. Be open minded, never discount anyone just because of their age and hope that other people don't discount you because of your age. Young people have things to teach older guys the same way that older guys can teach young people things. For loving relationships, just follow your (or my) heart!


Saturday, July 14, 2007

Feeling Unlucky...

Some people firmly believe that Friday the 13th is a bad luck day. There are those at the opposite end of the spectrum who scoff at the idea that a certain day or number has any power over their fate. And then there are those people on the fence who don't really believe it's bad luck, but they don't want to take too many chances, either. Click to read more about Friday the 13th.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


Guys, I don't know how to put this but here we go!On Oct ? , I will be leaving my good old KL and taking a BIG career break. My destination? Toronto, Canada.
First of all, I need to tell you that this is not an impulsive decision, I have planned this carefully and thoroughly for quite sometime. For me, it's kinda a tough decision to make as I will be leaving my friends and job behind and travel all the way to the other side of the Earth alone, but it's something I always wanna do and I know I will gain so much valuable experience from it, which I will never regret.
So, the countdown has started and I will keep you up to date. Cheereo!

P.S. This is NOT a 'Forever-Goodbye' as I will continue to blog.


Sunday, July 8, 2007

Live Earth Concert 07 07 07

Last night I spent the entire night on the internet watching the Live Earth Concert at the Wembley Stadium in London. Although I didn't manage to get to sleep, I didn't regret it at all 'cos it was bloody AWESOME!The artist lineup was just incred- ible, which included lots of my favourites such as Damien Rice, Duran Duran, James Blunt, Kea- ne, Paolo Nutini, Pussycat Dolls, Razorlight, Snow Patrol, and of course, the ultimate MADONNA, who finished off the show with Hey You, Ray of Light, La Isla Bonita, and Hung Up! Gosh, the concert just brought back so much memories of England and it was such ashamed that I couldn't be there =(
Anyway, I'm not sure what you guys think about the whole Live Earth campaign but there's one thing for sure - Our Earth is in Danger!
I hope you are as concerned as I am about the grave danger that our entire planet is facing. The climate crisis is THE biggest threat that humankind has ever faced!Hurricanes, record temperatures worldwide, plagues, floods, wild fires, melting ice caps, etc. All of these 'natural disasters' are in fact related to the climate change, therefore, it's now time for us to Answer The Call and take the fist step to save our Earth for the future! Make a commitment today and sign the Live earth Pledge. Seriously, it really doesn't take too much effort to be GREENER!
As part of the Live Earth concerts, people are spreading the word about ways to be part of the worldwide effort. I have signed the Pledge. Please go to and take action yourself!Thank you so much.


Saturday, July 7, 2007

Gambling on Love

I spent an afternoon with the most important person in my life: ME. I realised that for about three weeks, I have not really been alone. I have not had any “me” time. With a busy working schedule and the immigration process period…I had neglected myself..and my time. I go into my room. Or I go to a park. I find an isolated corner and spend time with myself.Many people fear being alone…or doing things on their own. I only hate eating alone in restaurants. You get pity looks! But I love travelling alone…getting the weekend paper and drinking a coffee…going for a jog….not having to talk…to care or pay attention. I have realised how I need to make "me" time a top priority.My grandmother always says that you are never truly alone. You always have God and yourself. And it is true…at least the part about having yourself. I’m not being selfish…but you alone know yourself best. You’ve been there through the good and through the bad. You were there when you were born…and you will be there when you die. So be good to yourself…and spend some quality time getting to know the most important relationship you’ll ever have.I spent a lot of time in my room and quickly learned pokies... Later , I wondered about my own gambling…not gambling on luck or numbers but gambling on love. I asked my friend if he thought of love as a gamble.“Love is an educated guess,” he said.I, on the other hand think with my emotions. To me love is a huge jump into the deep end and either sink or swim. You gamble your heart..risking heartbreak but hoping that you will win the ultimate jackpot: true love. And like the pokies sometimes you loose everything but the only way to get love is to play the game.I realised I was already pretty lucky…to have such a wonderful man to play the game..the life game.And I've found someone that loves the you..that you love…then as Carrie Bradshaw says..that’s fabulous.


No Jealously But ....

I have recently joined the gym back. Too many of new faces , I'm refering to both member and the insctructor ... With their gorgeous faces and/or amazing body !!!!!!!! :P

So, basically, I wanna know when you see a guy with gorgeous face and/or amazing body, aren't you envious? Won't you think, "Wow, he's so damn hot! Why don't I have such a pretty look and/or muscles like him?"

I guess it's all about our individual insecurities. When I see an attr- active guy, after checking him out I'll think, "Now are the other people here checking him out too or are they checking me out?"


Apple Tree

I've found my golden apple and we're officially married... How about you ?

Mr & Mrs Goodman


They say truth will set you free. But does it really? Most of us like to live in make believe…we pretend we are taller, skinnier, have more muscles, less love handles…we like to believe that our jobs are important, that our relationships are healthy and that our dreams will come true. I find when it comes to friendships and relationships…the truth often does not set you free and at times it is best to live in land.

Here is the dilemma…a very good friend asks you for your honest opinion on his current relationship. The truth is going to hurt. This guy is basically just using my friend and my friend can do so much better. My friend is extremely in love with this guy…he’s probably not really in love..not in a week at least…he’s extremely blinded by the fact that he has found a man who is paying him attention.

The truth is this guy treats him badly, uses him for money and actually makes him emotional. But he can only see the good (make believe) things in this guy. The truth is he’s afraid to be single…afraid to keep looking for love. So truth or dare time?

This episode has occurred to me countless times during my dating lifetime. Most of the time my friends tell me what I want to hear..but every once in a while one of them is brave enough to tell me the truth about my relationships. “You are going to break up,” one friend said. “You can do much better,” another one once said. The thing with truth is that unless you are ready to hear it…you will just ignore the writing on the wall. Everyone likes to live in denial...ask my father who still believes I will find a nice girl and get married.

The truth will set you free…when you are ready to accept it. So I’ve decided that when he asks me about his relationship, I will turn his question into another question. “What do you think about your relationship?” Maybe this is Freud's way to get to the truth..if that fails you can always talk about the weather!